I am standing on the other side of the wall that surrounds me from all side, making me claustrophobic with fear down my spine. The fear is moving through my joints and is getting circulated to every movable parts making them incapable of bearing the burden and dragging me along. I can no more hold on to the weights that are crushing me down, no more bear the burden of other’s expectations and no more be the responsible human in this cruel world.
I am ready to leave my hometown finally, for a new life ahead. New expectations, new reality as well as new challenges. It still feels yesterday, when I used to laugh with them, crawl on their back and fall asleep, hide under the bed while the food was served on the table. And in those rainy days whenever I used to come back home, the soil was all over my cloth like a giant canvas, she use to twist my ears and would give me a scolding laden with love. Those moments of heated argument still pricks my heart as I regret never valuing them the way I should have.
Their room smells musty now. But the sweet scented smell of their cologne has never left my nose, and every time I wander through the empty house aimlessly, I can always find myself inhaling more and more of it. After a tiring day, whenever I come back home late, I expect them sitting on the sofa staring annoyingly at me,but the moment I enter the silence makes everything fall apart, and I sit in the darkness wishing for the otherwise.
The pain in me is beyond my comprehension. And the house has enough of it stored in it. Sometimes in the night I find myself weeping uncontrollably with convulsions overtaking my senses. I feel tired with all of this. The memories are so vivid and so clear that it is hard to distinguish between the reality and imagination.
I’ve never considered myself coward enough to leave my home and runaway, but day in day out their memories are haunting me. The silence has engulfed me so much that speaking seems as a distant phenomenon. I am no more aware of this world around me. Time has stopped the very day, they have completed their life cycle, and it is till in a stand still, not moving, not even making a noise.
Sitting on the terrace, I wonder how will this house be without me.
Maybe, the emptiness will reign and the silence will scream in those lonely nights.
And maybe my childhood will weep in the dark corners, wishing for an unclaimed life knowing it is too late for the misshapen reality to take place.
©Jumbled Letters 2018.